So, some things that are on my mind. I need to vomit them out, if only to cock my head and stare for awhile and then move on without speaking.
1) Why didn't I tell Kirk any interesting things about myself? That I love to bird, play a terrible but rambunctious harmonica, am about to publish an essay I coauthored with Clifford, am in a great research group, knit well, draw comics, and can barely whistle but am able to carry a tune? Why oh why was I slightly pushy and more than slightly boring?
2) Why am I sad when things are going well for me? Because they are going well, and I am sad. I feel like I've lost my niche. My last semester here, and I have so few classes, so much independent work...I miss the camraderie of tapping my pen against my teeth, surrounded by a hundred other students braced against the same lecture. Attentions wandering together, doodles being doodled on a hundred pads...
3) I really miss Spals. It was so nice to see him over break, and made up for my disappointment that he never returned my autumn letter. He remembered the news I wrote him, so at least I know he read it. Our interactions now are those of equals, discussing political and social issues as two affectionate and respectful adults. Eeps! I'm grown up.
4) Where is my life going?
5) I love that film class, and I even enjoyed _Night of the Living Dead_, which I used to find boring. Is this because the professor reminds me a bit of Stephen King, though more attractive? Or because horror flicks are fabulous? Or both?
6) I feel like I never see any of my friends, even though my head knows that idea is just not true. And I get aggravated with the tiny dog, even though I can't stand the thought of leaving him at my parents even for a few weeks. I am neurotic these days, and unpleaseable. Why is this?
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1) Um...because he asked you, point-blank, "Tell me something interesting about yourself." That's almost as bad as the "what are you reading" question. You were both nervous. It was an awkward question. Besides, isn't dating all about gradually finding out about the interesting things? What did he expect, a thirty-second sell on why you're awesome? Like you're supposed to be this walking, talking okcupid profile?
I bet he's banging his head against a wall right now, too. I think that's part of the whole dating thing. Another reason why I'm not doing it? Maybe? That and fear? Enough about me.
2) Because you are human, maybe. The last semester is difficult. Sounds like things are changing, or things feel like they're changing. Does it help if I tell you that your feelings are normal? And that it'll get better? That leaving Michigan isn't as bad as I've made it out to be?
Zhuang-zi says, "Do not fear the change!"
3) Aw.
4) Somewhere completely awesome. Somewhere with cool floatie pens, that you can purchase and send to a certain friend. By the way, I'm thinking of going to Vermont next fall. Emily Hilliard's there. If you and that crazy friend of yours run out of places to go, you should drop by Lake Champlain!
5) Are you in the film class now? If not, I suggest having an affair with him. Well, maybe not. Maybe you could keep in mind that that's something you like? Maybe only date men who know all the lyrics to the Monster Mash?
6) This sounds somewhat symptomatic of 2? Maybe? I found myself feeling awful lonesome this summer, even though I was surrounded with people...
My friend Andre told me this story once, while I was sitting on the cement stoop under the shady trees in front of my coop (in the evening, late July maybe) (I was eating a plum). His brother was in the hospital once, and a volunteer was going around the hospital with this dog, letting the patients interact with it. You know, one of those brilliant, beautiful initiatives in response to some hippy-dippy study on animals and invalids. Was it a golden retriever? I don't think he mentioned. Anyways, the volunteer, who was this soothing woman, and the dog, let's say it was a retriever, came to Andre's brother's room. Andre's brother was petting the dog, and then he got very excited & started talking very fast & excited about the dog (I think they had him on some pain medication?), and the volunteer very quietly said, "Shh. Just focus on the dog." And Andre's brother calmed down and just pet the dog real quietly.
And after that day, whenever Andre loses focus, he tells himself, "Just focus on the dog."
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